Hello all, so since my last post in which I went on a rant about the deplorable state of our country’s sex education curriculum (or lack there of), I have been quite interested in sex education as well as sexual exploration. Though I can honestly say that my interest in sex education comes from noble intentions, I don’t feel that I can say the same about my interest in sexual exploration, or in clearer terms; my desire to have meaningless sex with as many random girls as possible. It may seem rather contradictory for me to confess such a desire on here (considering this is a feminist blog) therefore I feel it is necessary to explain myself. You see, before I had any desire to have meaningless sex with as many girls as possible, I had a girlfriend who had had many sexual partners and experiences before me. I had had none before her. In fact it was barely even a week into our relationship when we first started becoming sexually active with each other. We also didn’t even have a talk about being sexually active with each other until my roommate unfortunately walked in on us. During our discussion, I expressed that I felt hesitant and conflicted about having sex with each other so soon into our relationship since I felt the faster we rushed into having sex with each other, the sooner we would break up. When I expressed these thoughts to her, I honestly though she would respect my feelings of being hesitant and conflicted about having sex right away and would therefore wait until I felt ready enough to have sex with her. Nowadays I feel like an idiot for thinking that she respected my feelings towards having sex with her, because instead of having sex with me when I felt ready enough to have sex with her, she instead cheated on me with some other guy, bringing an end to our relationship.
This is how my desire to have meaningless sex with as many random girls started. Before my now ex-girlfriend I had viewed sex as the most intimate experience a couple could share with each other that should be discussed carefully with each other before engaging in sex. However after the discovery of her cheating on me, I’ve then come to view sex as just a meaningless and harmless activity to do just for the fun of it. No bother being hesitant about it. No bother feeling conflicted about it. Don’t even bother discussing it before hand. If it feels right in the moment, just do it. In fact I even sometimes regret feeling hesitant and conflicted about having sex with my ex since I can’t help thinking that maybe she wouldn’t have cheated on me had I had sex with her right away like she wanted. What’s even worse is that I feel inadequate in comparison to her since she had had so many sexual partners and experiences before me, and I had had none before her. So I suppose you could say that my desire to have meaningless sex with as many random girls doesn’t necessarily come from a selfish need to fulfill my own sexual gratification, but instead out of an insecure fear of feeling inadequate. I wish I could say that this has also led me to have several sexual partners and experiences since breaking up with my ex just as she had had before me. Instead however it has led me time and time again to the realization of how terrible our sex education curriculum is in this country and the devastating consequences of what can happen without one, and even worse the effects of what can happen when you alter your view of sex for someone else.
In my long and complicated quest throughout this summer to have meaningless sex with as many random girls as possible, one method that I frequently tried using was online dating websites. I spent a lot of time messaging girls who had profiles that mentioned they were looking to have casual sex. Though this didn’t yield much success for me, every now and then I would come across a profile of some girl that although suggested she was looking to have casual sex with someone, their profile also suggested that they were deeply troubled and had a low self esteem. For some guys a young troubled girl with a low self-esteem may seem like an easy target to manipulate into having sex with them. However when I came across such girls, I didn’t see someone who I could easily manipulate into having sex with me, I saw some who was broken and damaged, and deserved to have someone who was willing to be there for them whenever they needed someone, and someone who would desire nothing more or less than their happiness. I must confess that I actually hated feeling this way and often tried to deny it (and sometimes still do), because that’s exactly the same way I felt about my ex. You see for a while before my ex and I began dating, even before we met each other, I had known of her by hearing about her record of promiscuity, and was often talked about by several people in a degrading manor where she was commonly referred to with derogatory terms such as “slut” and “whore.” When I first met her see her as the horrible person so many people made her out to be. In fact I even though she seemed pretty nice. However there were times in the course of our relationship, and especially after my roommate had walked in on us, that she expressed how unhappy she was with herself at times, in which I sensed that she too felt troubled with herself and had a low self esteem just like some of the girls I cam across that were looking for casual sex. I also sensed that she possibly even regretted some of her sexual partners and experiences, and there were several instances in which I questioned whether or not the troubled girls with low self esteem were honestly doing so out of a desire for casual sex, or out of an insecure fear out of feeling inadequate just as I was.
I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m interested in having casual sex with numerous different girls, however I am ashamed to feel similar to guys that manipulate troubled girls with a low self esteem into having sex with them, because as much as I may want casual sex right now, I don’t want it if it is to come at the cost of potentially hurting some sad girl even more than she’s already been hurt. I’ve met far too many girls that have had sex with guys, sometimes numerous different guys, because it’s the only way they know how to feel accepted by them or among guys in general. I think it’s awful that any girl should ever feel so low about herself that the only she can think of to get guys to like and accept her is to have sex with them, but what’s even worse is that she’s taught that she shouldn’t even be accepted by anyone; that she doesn’t even deserve to be accepted by anyone; and that she especially doesn’t even deserve to be in a meaningful relationship. She’s referred to by anyone who’s known of her promiscuity as a slut, as a whore, as a cunt, as being unable to keep her legs closed, as being dirty, filthy, someone who should ultimately be unwanted and avoided by anyone and everyone, making her self esteem sink lower than before. One part of my relationship with my ex that hurt me the most, even more than her cheating on me, was all the times she said I was “too good of a boyfriend for her” that “she didn’t deserve to be with me” how she felt she was “so ugly sometimes” how she wanted to just “change her reputation” but she couldn’t because she felt “there was a wall between her and what she wanted to be happy.”
Despite the fact that she cheated on me, I still believes that she deserves to be happy, and I’m honestly tired of everyone around me telling me that she doesn’t deserve to by happy. I’m even more tired of a sex education that teaches that girls with a history of promiscuity don’t deserve to be happy either. Among all the problems in our modern day sex education in this country that I have recently been exposed too, I honestly think that one of the worst things being taught is how females with one or more sexual partners before marriage she’s then somehow less valuable as a person. As I discussed in my last post, I perhaps one of the worst consequences of abstinence-only sex education is that it puts so much emphasis on scaring girls out of having sex before they’re married by teaching them that they’ll be less valuable if they do that it can absolutely cripple the self esteem of girls who have had sex before marriage, and what’s worse is that this way of thinking apparently only applies to females and not to males.
This is how the viscous cycle of girls thinking so lowly of themselves that they use sex as a means of gaining acceptance from males, only to feel worse about herself and be degraded by everyone around her. This idea that girls are less valued and should be looked down upon simply because of who she’s had sex with, especially if she’s had sex with one or more person outside of relationship, has to stop. And it has to stop at the source. We need a sex education that teaches that no one, regardless of however many or how little sexual partners they have had/or will have, is less valuable as a person. Everyone has they’re own value and self worth as a person, and no educational institution, especially not sex education should teach them otherwise. It’s time we took a stand for a revolution in sex education in this country, because teaching this damaging lesson about adolescent girls (while also never talking about adolescent guys in the same manner) being essentially worthless just because they may have had sex before marriage is outdated, noneducational, and doing for more harm than good to the self-esteem and well being of young girls and women across the country.